Sunsets of the Shore...

 The Sunsets of the Shore

Sunset Cruise on "Miss Barnegat Light".

Dry Bones Rattled

                                

If a picture could capture the before/after of "Michelle's Great Escape" - it would be this one I took yesterday on the Nature Trail, er, HeatStrokeRidge as it should be called in this Texas heat & humidity!

I have written often about my prayer for Brandon - in that his "dry bones would come alive" as in the song by Lauren Daigle. That his autism would end, his seizures would stop, his PANDAS would be no more. That he would simply be, him. I've prayed that prayer, believed that prayer, clung to the HOPEISM of it being an answered prayer one day.

Yet still my "Life with Autism, Seizures, & a side of PANDAS" is that left side of the picture. A well worn path. Barren, dry bones of relentless caregiving where each year is harder, each year brings me new health challenges with my son, not less. My valley getting more run down, not less. That's what "Michelle's Great Escape" was --- The realization that I needed to get out of that valley and experience the Mountain-view. If only for a while. Those two weeks were indeed a time of dry bones coming alive for me. No, nothing changed once back home - still no answered prayer in Brandon's trifecta of Autism, Seizures, PANDAS... But instead, renewed HOPEISM for me. For a moment, a few magical, amazing moments, my dry bones came alive. And Rattled. And if mine can, so can his. One day, his Friday will become a distant memory, His Saturday will become Sunday. He will become whole. And rattle. Listen to the song..... Click the below link to the song, turn up the volume, & feel the HOPEISM of the words... Listen to the song, Rattle:

Ezekiel 37:

The Valley of Dry Bones

The hand of the Lord was on me, and he brought me out by the Spirit of the Lord and set me in the middle of a valley; it was full of bones.  He led me back and forth among them, and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry.  He asked me, “Son of man, can these bones live?”

I said, “Sovereign Lord, you alone know.”

 Then he said to me, “Prophesy to these bones and say to them, ‘Dry bones, hear the word of the Lord!  This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life.  I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord.’”

 So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone.  I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them.

Then he said to me, “Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to it, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Come, breath, from the four winds and breathe into these slain, that they may live.’” So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet—a vast army.

 Then he said to me: “Son of man, these bones are the people of Israel. They say, ‘Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.’  Therefore prophesy and say to them: ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: My people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel. Then you, my people, will know that I am the Lord, when I open your graves and bring you up from them.  I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the Lord have spoken, and I have done it, declares the Lord.’”

Onward through the Fog...\

To say that I was "in a fog" of sorts before "Michelle's Great Escape" would be putting it mildly. 

 I simply allowed myself to get to such a point of wear & tear that I couldn't see the forest through the burdens, the caregiving, the constant, the exhaustion of "Life with Autism, Seizures, & a side of PANDAS."

HOPEISM, while still there, seemed out of reach.

Something I couldn't clearly see or tangibly feel through that dense, thick, suffocating fog.

The day I arrived at Barnegat Light - as soon as the truck was unloaded, I literally ran (ok, power-walked) to the bay.  It was cold, windy, and raining.  But I didn't care.  My soul longed to see the water, the vast expanse of bay, ocean, the literal end of the world - er - the end of the island at least.    Being quarantined in "Life with Autism, Seizures, & a side of PANDAS" for over eight endless months with no Day Program and few opportunities for respite, was a cruelty unlike no other for my son, for me, for my marriage.  The only thing my son seemed to truly enjoy in the escape from his own four walls of home, was his Day Program.  Seeing his beloved caregivers, and even his fellow peers -- having human interaction, albeit a severely limited ability in that, was something Brandon seemed to enjoy.  The respite from 24/7 was certainly something my husband and I thoroughly enjoyed.  To have had that snatched right out from under us in the blink of an eye was simply cruel.  

I felt I had been in solitary confinement (I literally was) where at the first light of freedom I ran a thousand miles an hour with my hair on fire.  That's how my soul felt seeing the water.  No walls.  No confinement. 

Freedom, as far as the eye could see.

That's the healing I needed. 

That's the beauty of the shorehouse I found on literally my last attempt to search for a place to stay in my hometown of Barnegat Light, NJ.   Total openness.  An unobstructed panoramic view, - no houses, no people. 

Just nature. 
     Just beach. 
          Just ocean.

Walking along the docks at the bay, I saw a bench with the words, "Onward through the Fog".  

I stopped & stared at that sign - it spoke to my soul.

It was so surreal.

It's how I had felt for so long...

In a fog.

Where I had felt so guilty for so long in feeling how I had been feeling - it was as if God was acknowledging how I felt, understanding how I felt...

"I know you've been in a fog, Michelle..."

"I've seen you, I've heard you cry out, I've heard your prayers...."

"In the Garden of Gethsemane, I've been you...."

"Those times will come and go, and come and go, just like the tide, the waves, the sunsets... Just keep focused on me.....on moving onward through that fog...."

It was such encouragement to have felt God's presence, His words, in that moment.

That personal #HOPEISM, #NDCQ reminder from God on such a foggy day through a few simply  stated but oh so profound words on a bench.

Are you in a fog?

Lost a loved one...

Lost your health...

Lost your way...

Onward through the Fog is God's answer.

His love, his grace, his mercy, his HOPEISM will guide you.

His light will reach you through any darkness. 

Isaiah 50:10

Who among you fears the Lord
    and obeys the word of his servant?
Let the one who walks in the (fog)
    who has no light,
trust in the name of the Lord
    and rely on their God.

As God showed me on this trip - some of the most amazing pictures I took - were taken in the fog.

Perhaps that's why I love storms so much.

They remind me to focus on the light of God when I can't see him in the darkness of the storm.

I've never been much to memorize scripture - but on one particular morning the fog was rolling in so very thick off the ocean --- from where I was walking at the tide line - I couldn't even see the landmarks of houses/water tower to mark where I need to turn to go up the beach to the path to the shorehouse.  It was all just a blanket of white.

So I made a marker right above the tide line - so that on my way back - I would see the marker and know that that was where to turn to go back home.

I had to smile again at all God has been showing me, and most importantly, reminding me...

John 14:6

"I am the way, the truth, & the light..."

Now that I'm back home - back to all the demands, responsibilities, & challenges of my "Life with Autism, Seizures, & a side of PANDAS" - when that fog of weariness weighs heavily - when I can't see that proverbial respite at the end of the caregiving tunnel, I will try and do a better job of searching scripture promises for markers that will be show me the way to the One who can give me rest...

Matthew 11:28-30
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

When God Came Near...

 

It's hard to type this.

In all honesty, I'll probably go back and add to this from time to time as I heal.

Right now though, as I have a moment to actually have thoughts, I need to share about this bird and what it has represented to me through these endless seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, & months since mid-March when Brandon's Day Habilitation Program closed due to the criminal con-game called COVID.

I suppose my disclaimer in that statement is that while I do believe there are "coronavirus'" - I do not believe we have had an epidemic of coronavirus illnesses.  Not anymore than the seasonal epidemics of allergies, colds, or the flu.  I believe the "plandemic" was intentional. In that specific strain of COVID-19 that started the quarantines rolling.  I belive the numbers have been greatly inflated.  I believe the fear-mongering was of epic proportions.   I do believe people died during this plandemic.  As people die every day of every year.  From something.   I believe that whether it's the flu, a cold, allergies, cancer, diabetes, heart issues, or just old age - it is our responsibility to live a healthy lifestyle.  To stay home when sick - to be out and about when you aren't.   I respect virus' and illnesses.  Which is why I do my best to eat healthy and exercise and supplement with herbs and vitamins to help strengthen my immune system.


"It's always darkest right before it goes pitch black" is a saying on a Demotivational Poster I love.  Sarcasm is my second language, and I refer to that particular demotivator quote often in my "Life with Autism, Seizures, & a side of PANDAS" of vaccine injury.

Yesterday was Brandon's first day back at the only Day Habilitation Program in Houston that would accept him and his level of need.

I intended to begin this blog then...

But I couldn't. 

All the things I had thought in my head that I would do when, if, his Day Habilitation Program opened swirled in my head like a tornado...I couldn't wait to go a hundred miles an hour with my hair on fire.

But in actuality, for most of the day, all I could do was sit and weep.

The emotion of being set free from constant trauma for months on end - seven to be exact -  too overwhelming.

The sheer mental strength it took to keep marching forward - had taken its toll and once my mind, my body, knew it was free, I could let go and let it all out...

And out it all came - in tear after tear.

The heartache, isolation, constant of caregiving, defeat in having no options, the realization that literally no one in society cares/cared about me, my community; the trauma of all that and more all came spewing out like a volcano erupting.  The mental, physical, emotional toll on myself, my marriage....  To have watched others still, even in quarantine, be able to live their lives, do things, have a marriage - the anger, hurt, frustration, jealousy of that.....   Knowing churches were empty while a multitude like me were desperate for a place that would care for our loved ones so they, and we, could have a break for just an hour - to go for a walk, to the store, or to simply get to do nothing, and do it in silence. 

Oh, how I simply craved uninterrupted silence!

I learned more about humanity - and unfortunately Christianity --- during those months of hearing from no one outside my own vaccine-injured community...and only perhaps 2 or 3 family members outside that.   The few times we did get help - it was because we begged.  A caregiver found to give a few hours of weekly reprieve to see our Grandson - because of a referral from a fellow warrior.  

I learned as well - the sheer strength of the fellow warriors in my own community.  I know how I felt with just relatively few moments of help in comparison to the ginormous amount of help we actually need - and I just wept for those who haven't even had the crumbs of help I had.  For years on end they have been in quarantine because of no services.  Not even a Day Program.   I have never been more aware of their plight than I was going through my own.  It is cruel.  It is cruel how little regard anyone has for any of us or our loved ones.

Cruel was my word during this COVID.

It has just been cruel.

I suppose the motivational quote would be, "It's always darkest right before the dawn."

Though honestly as the weeks became months, some part of me shut down in self-preservation.  Everything I knew of HOPEISM was still true - I believed there would be a dawn even if I couldn't  see it, feel it, or experience it. 

My saving grace became the laptop computer my mom bought me.

While Brandon was inside raging, humming, or growling - I could bring my laptop out in my beloved "Log Cabin" back porch and see the freedom I longed to experience.

I'm not sure how long the bird was out there before I was - but I noticed that the same bird would come every single morning.   One day I saw him fly to the bird feeder and noticed it was an awkward sort of flight.  Something happened to him that left him battered, bruised, & broken. 

I could instantly relate to him.

As the days went by I noticed his eye was severely injured.  When that side was turned to me, I could get up and walk to the bird feeder for a closer look without him seeing me.

That bird became my HOPEISM during this time where no person was.

His battered, bruised, broken presence was an odd sort of inspiration.  

Despite the hardship, he showed up each morning.  He sat there on the bird bath and then awkwardly flew to the bird feeder where he would eat and rest for a few hours.

He was surviving.

There was beauty despite his ashes.

I would look at him in awe and think that if he could survive, so could I.

That feather, or whatever it was that was sticking out of his eye, much like the thorn of isolation and no help or encouragement from anyone outside my own community that was gouging my side with every passing moment.

All that bird had was the safety and shelter of my bird feeder - and more often than not that bird was my only safety and shelter.

I know it sounds odd and stupid and totally ridiculous - but that bird was an angel of sorts helping me hang on to HOPEISM.

He was my companion helping me through hell to HOPEISM.

There were days I could sneak up so close to that bird that I could almost touch him.

It made me wonder how many days I never even noticed God was so close to me that he was actually holding me...

I just marvel at that.

Psalm 34:18
The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears; He delivers them from all their troubles.  The LORD is near to the brokenhearted; He saves the contrite in spirit.  Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the LORD delivers him from them all...

Brandon's Day Habilitation Program began yesterday.

Dawn came from the darkness.

I haven't seen that bird since.

Where HOPEISM Blooms