Sunsets of the Shore...

 The Sunsets of the Shore

Sunset Cruise on "Miss Barnegat Light".

Dry Bones Rattled

                                

If a picture could capture the before/after of "Michelle's Great Escape" - it would be this one I took yesterday on the Nature Trail, er, HeatStrokeRidge as it should be called in this Texas heat & humidity!

I have written often about my prayer for Brandon - in that his "dry bones would come alive" as in the song by Lauren Daigle. That his autism would end, his seizures would stop, his PANDAS would be no more. That he would simply be, him. I've prayed that prayer, believed that prayer, clung to the HOPEISM of it being an answered prayer one day.

Yet still my "Life with Autism, Seizures, & a side of PANDAS" is that left side of the picture. A well worn path. Barren, dry bones of relentless caregiving where each year is harder, each year brings me new health challenges with my son, not less. My valley getting more run down, not less. That's what "Michelle's Great Escape" was --- The realization that I needed to get out of that valley and experience the Mountain-view. If only for a while. Those two weeks were indeed a time of dry bones coming alive for me. No, nothing changed once back home - still no answered prayer in Brandon's trifecta of Autism, Seizures, PANDAS... But instead, renewed HOPEISM for me. For a moment, a few magical, amazing moments, my dry bones came alive. And Rattled. And if mine can, so can his. One day, his Friday will become a distant memory, His Saturday will become Sunday. He will become whole. And rattle. Listen to the song..... Click the below link to the song, turn up the volume, & feel the HOPEISM of the words... Listen to the song, Rattle:

Ezekiel 37:

The Valley of Dry Bones

The hand of the Lord was on me, and he brought me out by the Spirit of the Lord and set me in the middle of a valley; it was full of bones.  He led me back and forth among them, and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry.  He asked me, “Son of man, can these bones live?”

I said, “Sovereign Lord, you alone know.”

 Then he said to me, “Prophesy to these bones and say to them, ‘Dry bones, hear the word of the Lord!  This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life.  I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord.’”

 So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone.  I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them.

Then he said to me, “Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to it, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Come, breath, from the four winds and breathe into these slain, that they may live.’” So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet—a vast army.

 Then he said to me: “Son of man, these bones are the people of Israel. They say, ‘Our bones are dried up and our hope is gone; we are cut off.’  Therefore prophesy and say to them: ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: My people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel. Then you, my people, will know that I am the Lord, when I open your graves and bring you up from them.  I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the Lord have spoken, and I have done it, declares the Lord.’”

Onward through the Fog...\

To say that I was "in a fog" of sorts before "Michelle's Great Escape" would be putting it mildly. 

 I simply allowed myself to get to such a point of wear & tear that I couldn't see the forest through the burdens, the caregiving, the constant, the exhaustion of "Life with Autism, Seizures, & a side of PANDAS."

HOPEISM, while still there, seemed out of reach.

Something I couldn't clearly see or tangibly feel through that dense, thick, suffocating fog.

The day I arrived at Barnegat Light - as soon as the truck was unloaded, I literally ran (ok, power-walked) to the bay.  It was cold, windy, and raining.  But I didn't care.  My soul longed to see the water, the vast expanse of bay, ocean, the literal end of the world - er - the end of the island at least.    Being quarantined in "Life with Autism, Seizures, & a side of PANDAS" for over eight endless months with no Day Program and few opportunities for respite, was a cruelty unlike no other for my son, for me, for my marriage.  The only thing my son seemed to truly enjoy in the escape from his own four walls of home, was his Day Program.  Seeing his beloved caregivers, and even his fellow peers -- having human interaction, albeit a severely limited ability in that, was something Brandon seemed to enjoy.  The respite from 24/7 was certainly something my husband and I thoroughly enjoyed.  To have had that snatched right out from under us in the blink of an eye was simply cruel.  

I felt I had been in solitary confinement (I literally was) where at the first light of freedom I ran a thousand miles an hour with my hair on fire.  That's how my soul felt seeing the water.  No walls.  No confinement. 

Freedom, as far as the eye could see.

That's the healing I needed. 

That's the beauty of the shorehouse I found on literally my last attempt to search for a place to stay in my hometown of Barnegat Light, NJ.   Total openness.  An unobstructed panoramic view, - no houses, no people. 

Just nature. 
     Just beach. 
          Just ocean.

Walking along the docks at the bay, I saw a bench with the words, "Onward through the Fog".  

I stopped & stared at that sign - it spoke to my soul.

It was so surreal.

It's how I had felt for so long...

In a fog.

Where I had felt so guilty for so long in feeling how I had been feeling - it was as if God was acknowledging how I felt, understanding how I felt...

"I know you've been in a fog, Michelle..."

"I've seen you, I've heard you cry out, I've heard your prayers...."

"In the Garden of Gethsemane, I've been you...."

"Those times will come and go, and come and go, just like the tide, the waves, the sunsets... Just keep focused on me.....on moving onward through that fog...."

It was such encouragement to have felt God's presence, His words, in that moment.

That personal #HOPEISM, #NDCQ reminder from God on such a foggy day through a few simply  stated but oh so profound words on a bench.

Are you in a fog?

Lost a loved one...

Lost your health...

Lost your way...

Onward through the Fog is God's answer.

His love, his grace, his mercy, his HOPEISM will guide you.

His light will reach you through any darkness. 

Isaiah 50:10

Who among you fears the Lord
    and obeys the word of his servant?
Let the one who walks in the (fog)
    who has no light,
trust in the name of the Lord
    and rely on their God.

As God showed me on this trip - some of the most amazing pictures I took - were taken in the fog.

Perhaps that's why I love storms so much.

They remind me to focus on the light of God when I can't see him in the darkness of the storm.

I've never been much to memorize scripture - but on one particular morning the fog was rolling in so very thick off the ocean --- from where I was walking at the tide line - I couldn't even see the landmarks of houses/water tower to mark where I need to turn to go up the beach to the path to the shorehouse.  It was all just a blanket of white.

So I made a marker right above the tide line - so that on my way back - I would see the marker and know that that was where to turn to go back home.

I had to smile again at all God has been showing me, and most importantly, reminding me...

John 14:6

"I am the way, the truth, & the light..."

Now that I'm back home - back to all the demands, responsibilities, & challenges of my "Life with Autism, Seizures, & a side of PANDAS" - when that fog of weariness weighs heavily - when I can't see that proverbial respite at the end of the caregiving tunnel, I will try and do a better job of searching scripture promises for markers that will be show me the way to the One who can give me rest...

Matthew 11:28-30
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”