Onward through the Fog...\

To say that I was "in a fog" of sorts before "Michelle's Great Escape" would be putting it mildly. 

 I simply allowed myself to get to such a point of wear & tear that I couldn't see the forest through the burdens, the caregiving, the constant, the exhaustion of "Life with Autism, Seizures, & a side of PANDAS."

HOPEISM, while still there, seemed out of reach.

Something I couldn't clearly see or tangibly feel through that dense, thick, suffocating fog.

The day I arrived at Barnegat Light - as soon as the truck was unloaded, I literally ran (ok, power-walked) to the bay.  It was cold, windy, and raining.  But I didn't care.  My soul longed to see the water, the vast expanse of bay, ocean, the literal end of the world - er - the end of the island at least.    Being quarantined in "Life with Autism, Seizures, & a side of PANDAS" for over eight endless months with no Day Program and few opportunities for respite, was a cruelty unlike no other for my son, for me, for my marriage.  The only thing my son seemed to truly enjoy in the escape from his own four walls of home, was his Day Program.  Seeing his beloved caregivers, and even his fellow peers -- having human interaction, albeit a severely limited ability in that, was something Brandon seemed to enjoy.  The respite from 24/7 was certainly something my husband and I thoroughly enjoyed.  To have had that snatched right out from under us in the blink of an eye was simply cruel.  

I felt I had been in solitary confinement (I literally was) where at the first light of freedom I ran a thousand miles an hour with my hair on fire.  That's how my soul felt seeing the water.  No walls.  No confinement. 

Freedom, as far as the eye could see.

That's the healing I needed. 

That's the beauty of the shorehouse I found on literally my last attempt to search for a place to stay in my hometown of Barnegat Light, NJ.   Total openness.  An unobstructed panoramic view, - no houses, no people. 

Just nature. 
     Just beach. 
          Just ocean.

Walking along the docks at the bay, I saw a bench with the words, "Onward through the Fog".  

I stopped & stared at that sign - it spoke to my soul.

It was so surreal.

It's how I had felt for so long...

In a fog.

Where I had felt so guilty for so long in feeling how I had been feeling - it was as if God was acknowledging how I felt, understanding how I felt...

"I know you've been in a fog, Michelle..."

"I've seen you, I've heard you cry out, I've heard your prayers...."

"In the Garden of Gethsemane, I've been you...."

"Those times will come and go, and come and go, just like the tide, the waves, the sunsets... Just keep focused on me.....on moving onward through that fog...."

It was such encouragement to have felt God's presence, His words, in that moment.

That personal #HOPEISM, #NDCQ reminder from God on such a foggy day through a few simply  stated but oh so profound words on a bench.

Are you in a fog?

Lost a loved one...

Lost your health...

Lost your way...

Onward through the Fog is God's answer.

His love, his grace, his mercy, his HOPEISM will guide you.

His light will reach you through any darkness. 

Isaiah 50:10

Who among you fears the Lord
    and obeys the word of his servant?
Let the one who walks in the (fog)
    who has no light,
trust in the name of the Lord
    and rely on their God.

As God showed me on this trip - some of the most amazing pictures I took - were taken in the fog.

Perhaps that's why I love storms so much.

They remind me to focus on the light of God when I can't see him in the darkness of the storm.

I've never been much to memorize scripture - but on one particular morning the fog was rolling in so very thick off the ocean --- from where I was walking at the tide line - I couldn't even see the landmarks of houses/water tower to mark where I need to turn to go up the beach to the path to the shorehouse.  It was all just a blanket of white.

So I made a marker right above the tide line - so that on my way back - I would see the marker and know that that was where to turn to go back home.

I had to smile again at all God has been showing me, and most importantly, reminding me...

John 14:6

"I am the way, the truth, & the light..."

Now that I'm back home - back to all the demands, responsibilities, & challenges of my "Life with Autism, Seizures, & a side of PANDAS" - when that fog of weariness weighs heavily - when I can't see that proverbial respite at the end of the caregiving tunnel, I will try and do a better job of searching scripture promises for markers that will be show me the way to the One who can give me rest...

Matthew 11:28-30
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”