Breaking Free...

This is somewhat of a personal journey blog.  I use the times I have with God out in my garden and Butterfly habitat and the pictures I am blessed to capture - to reveal things that help me deal with or better understand this crazy, mad, wonderful thing called life.  In my "Life with Autism" -sometimes the backyard is my only escape and it has been such therapy.  Such joy.  I would say the greatest lesson I've learned during those times is how there is always HOPEISM.  There is always beauty.  Though you must earnestly seek it.  You must search for it, find it, capture it, and never let it go.  I do not get to be in my garden as often as I need to for it to be "optimal" - there are always weeds, always something that is faded, wilted, or dead.  To go in my backyard and view my garden and habitat at first glance, would be to see somewhat of a mess with bright spots of beauty here and there.
Much like my life....

But it's those bright spots that have inspired me to title this blog, these life lessons, "Where HOPEISM Blooms."  This blog was created during one of the darkest seasons in our life with autism.  I needed to find hope, and God helped me find it through the lens of my camera.  I have learned to focus my camera, my attention, my time, on those bright spots and not be discouraged or distracted by all the mess in my life, er, garden.

I have learned to zoom in on what is good, and edit out what is bad.

In doing that - I found such HOPEISM.

Such freedom.

Such joy.

Like today.  Such a beautiful October Saturday.  I spent the day outside in my garden and butterfly habitat.  I needed a dose of HOPEISM.  I needed healing from a situation where I had focused more on the dead, wilted flowers than the vibrant fully alive ones.  God sent me a butterfly as stubborn as I am to teach me that lesson. A huge Monarch was fluttering in my yard.  Teasing me.  Every time it would stop for a minute to sip some nectar, as soon as I got near enough for a picture, it left. Every.dang.time.  I would relentlessly pursue, it would masterfully evade.  You'd think I would get the hint and move on to something else, but no.  How dare that butterfly not want me to capture it, be its friend, part of its life....

It became a challenge more than a relationship I was pursuing.

Which was my first mistake...

Pursuing those in my life who have only proven to be evasive.  Pursuing relationships that are one-sided.  I have done that for years.  Pursued, invited, tried and tried and tried.  To no avail.  In the pursuit of relationships that perhaps were never meant to be, I missed out on times with those in my life who I didn't have to chase.  Who cared enough about our relationship to chase me when I would go silent.  It's like God had been trying to tell me all along to be very careful what I wished for, that I may one day get it.  Oh.  I got it, all right.  God sometimes keeps people away from us for a reason.  I didn't listen.  So it's like he recently said, "Ok, here you go....I tried to warn you but you wouldn't listen..."  And BAM!  The relationships I had so sincerely pursued, once caught, left me absolutely stunned and speechless and incredibly hurt.  Those beautiful butterflies were filled with such lies, such indifference, such deception.  And when I realized how many other beautiful relationships I had missed out on further building - I was humbled.  Well, I was mad, a bit humiliated, but then humbled. I do believe we are called to pursue people for Christ. We are to do our best to build relationships, seek to mend any broken fences.  Be a part of our family's or friends lives.  What I learned the hard way though, is that sometimes the reason they are not caught, is because they were never meant to be. That was a hard, hard, hard lesson to have recently had to truly learn.  We love them, pray for them, and are there for them should they seek us - but there comes a point we must simply leave it in God's hands and move on to the truly bright spots in our garden.

When that finally sunk in Saturday, when I finally quit chasing that one elusive Butterfly, I was free to be amazed by all the other perfect pictures just waiting for me in my garden.

Monarch caterpillars, lizards, other Monarch butterflies that weren't so elusive as the giant one. Pipevine Swallowtail chrysalis' that are a first for my Butterfly habit.  Baby lizards, Passion vine flowers, the symmetry of nature, and a giant Swallowtail caterpillar.  My Butterfly habitat is full of life!

I didn't need to forsake seeing and appreciating all of those things for the pursuit of one, or a few in my case, that for this day, was never meant to be captured.  And perhaps never will be captured.  But that's ok.  I have done my best.  It is God's job to move in the heart of people like that, not mine.  

I am to love.

Pursue HOPEISM.

What a breaking free moment today was...in learning that sometimes you do just have to "Let it go" as I finally learned with that ding-danged butterfly.  And to always have your camera ready, for if and when they come to you.